The Better Side of Crap

Yup, I know I'm getting better when I'm feeling like the better side of crap.

There's a better side? You say...

After the last few days I've been sick...you'd better believe it.

It's so hard to feel sexy when your face is bloated twice it's original size due to sinus pressure. Your lips are dry and cracked and splitting because you can't breath through your nose. Your hair is wild and unruly because it hurts to comb it...Damn it, I'm sexy!

Then I sit here. Thinking and thinking and thinking. Wondering what to put down in words. I know my life is book worthy but, I can't seem to think of anything GOOD to put down today. So in honor of friend, pitch4kman, whom I just found out reads my site...I have a somewhat whimsical story.

For those who know me, they know that I'm blunt. I don't get embarrassed easily (unless some dumb-ass recites poetry in a rap style to me in front of my whole class). I say what I say and what I say.

The Story:

Well, I believe I was still pregnant with my daughter at the time. So this was like...five-six years ago. We lived across from Pitch4kman...I mean right across from him. Our apartments faced eachother and we could even wave at eachother from inside the apartments and be seen.

Now, Pitch4kman and wife (X-wife now) had split up (again) and he was dating this young gal. Not that I have anything against younger people but, this one was particularly immature. (Sorry, pitch4k, not meaning to cramp your style, man).

One evening, Pitch4k and his woman (girl, LOL) invited the Rogue Wit and I out to Mazzio's with them. It was really the first time we got to know Pitch4k's woman (we'll call her Black Beauty...LOL!!).

Apparently, I was supposed to be on my best behavior...though, no one told me so. I don't take hints very well either so the stage was set. I'd managed to squeeze my pregnant ass in the booth and we waited for the waitress (or waiter...seeing as how this is my story...we'll make it a handsome young black muscled beef-cake of a sex god who took our every order and hung on our every whim!!).

Now, I never really learned how to make small talk...still don't really know how. I try to wing it, ya know. This is not to say that I can't talk for hours and hours on end...just babbling about nothing. I've come from a long line of long-winded morrons(sp?)...so I come by this naturally. And as we're sitting there the silence is overwhelming. I remember some fidgeting and squirming and somehow we got to talking about one of the female pass-arounds that Pitch4kman and Rogue Wit knew. Uhm, as to not give away her name we'll call her Tebora.

As you all know by now, I have an opinion on everything and she was no different. This girl, Tebora, though not while I was dating Rogue Wit, gave him a BJ for his birthday one year. They weren't dating...they hadn't ever kissed...nor had they slept together. Tebora had slept or given BJ's to every guy in their little group. (Can we say...HO? I think we can.)

This is what I believe and what I informed Pitch4kman, Rogue Wit, and Black Beauty. Under no circumstance do you give someone a BJ unless you've already slept with them....A LOT! It's just not lady like. BJ's are saved for special occasions and you really have to want something bad or really really really LOVE the person. This does not infer that I am bad at the art of BJ-giving...not at all. I've got a pair of beautiful clover diamond earrings from an X after a particularly good BJ session...if that tells you anything. It's the sign of a true lady. BJ's are special! Men have to work for them and it just goes to show you how much of a floozy this girl, Tebora was to just give them away. I mean, sure, they guys liked them...But, she lost the respect that ladies hold over men by doing so.

The truth to it is...whenever one of the guys in their group talked about her it was in sarcastic over-tones along the lines of..."if you know what I mean."

Needless, to say...Rogue Wit smiled at my declaration; Black Beauty sat in stunning awe of the revelation I'd just given her (it was a look of: "Damn! She knows the truth about me!" LOL!--just kidding); and poor Pitch4kman turned beat red. He didn't expect a "female" to have such an elaborate opinion on something so controversial.

...I do so enjoy making that guy blush. "It's one of life's simple pleasures."