Oceans of...

Recently I threw out a lot of my old crap I had no more use for. Amongst this crap were various love letters in many different forms from many different men. I’m sentimental in a lot of ways and until now I couldn’t throw them out. They still meant something.

That is why this time they went out.
I had to ask myself what did they mean.
What have they ever meant?

In short, nothing and yet in truth many things.
Things of which I no long wish to remember.

I was reminded of betrayal and loss, candle lit nights, bon fires and sex under the stars…
Yet it means nothing to me now. It’s my lost years. It’s my heart ache and loneliness.
It reminded me of my favorite saying, one that my Grandpa used, “Bitterness is a hard ocean to cross.” (Which of course is why misery loves company)

I have swam in that ocean, in truth it is the only ocean I have ever seen with my two eyes. I do not care to ever see it again. Nearly drowning from waves of doubt, guilt, loss, hurt and hate…I may not have survived its dark waters. But in the darkest of night one must know that the sun is close at hand.

Someone threw me a line of hope and trust. In the darkness I touched it afraid that it would only drag me down. But that small leap of faith allowed me to be pulled free from the cold waters and into the warmth of the sun. Even still it has taken time for my heart to thaw and my trust to build.

Life has many roads and the road to bitterness is one filled with tears. Had I only known then what I know now…I cannot know if I would have changed my path or not. Though, I want to believe that I would have.

The truth is our journey, whatever road you take, makes you who you are. And there are no road maps in life, just trails from those who have gone before us.