WEEKEND ASTROLOGY

CANCER (June 22-July 22)-
Happy Birthday Cancers!
Yup, that’s all. Come on, I’m
not a miracle worker.

LEO (July 23-August 22, 23)-
Maybe you should go ahead
and buy that new vibrator now.
We know your birthday is coming,
but friends don’t buy friends
vibrators.

VIRGO (August 23, 24-September 22, 23)-
Bla-bla-bla…Damn it. Why do I continue to
ask Mr. (Mrs.) Know-it-all stupid questions?
It’s re-fucking-toricle! We’re all aware you
know EVERYTHING.

LIBRA (September 23, 24-October 22, 23)-
Two Libras decide what to do this weekend:
“So…What do you want to do this weekend?”
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
“Whatever you want, I don’t care.”
“No…Really, what do you want to do?”
(sigh) I’d suggest flipping a coin today, but
you have to have choices before you can
decide between them.

SCORPIO (October 23, 24-November 22)-
Just because the rash is gone doesn’t mean
that it can’t still spread. Practice safe sex
this weekend. Use your hand.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21, 23)-
(Rolling my eyes and making jack-off motions)
Yeah, I’ve heard that pick-up line before. Keep
Practicing though and maybe you’ll find your
groove before you go out this weekend.

CAPRICORN (December 22, 24-January 20)-
Sorry about the advice last weekend. Maybe
this one you should stay away from the
Sagittarius’s. You should’ve used your own
judgment…Come on, they’re all assholes.
(lol)

AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)-
Nobody wants to be your friend. Well,
boo-fucking-hoo princess! No one likes
a goody-goody. So do something notty
this weekend. What’s that you said
about peer pressure? Shut-up. (lmao)

PISCES (February 20-March 20)-
So your sign is supposed to be one
of the best lovers…Let’s find out
this weekend if it’s true.

ARIES (March 21-April 20)-
You’re the life of the party, but
all of the CPR in the world can’t
resurrect the dead. So go ahead
and ditch your friend’s party.
Really, they’ll understand that
you have to maintain your rep
as “the party guy.” But maybe
you shouldn’t have told your
friend he was lame. Try and be
tactful.

TAURUS (April 21-May 20, 21)-
Hmmm….Nope. I’ve got nothing.
Maybe if you didn’t butt head with
everyone I might give a shit. (LOL)
Okay, okay…here’s one: don’t rock
the boat. Tee-hee.

GEMINI (May 21, 22-June 21)-
So you’re cured, eh? Okay.
No, really! I believe you. But…
Well, you’re drooling, a LOT.
Just saying…