Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

20 things I lie about

1) My hair color. I’m blonde, but I like to pretend to be a red-head sometimes.

2) Giving head. I never admit to it…SHIT, I guess I just did. Damn!

3) Buying things. I guess it isn’t bad because if I told my husband what I got him for his birthday/Christmas when I bought it…it wouldn’t be much fun.

4) My height. I’m only about 5’6” maybe 7” on a good day but, I like to say I’m about 5’8” or 9”. I can’t help it, my little sister is taller than I am and it drives me nuts not to be tall. Damn it, I have to keep a step-stool in about every room.

5) Liking food. I always try new dishes unless it’s got more than three foods I hate in it. So, I have been known to say I like it as to not hurt someone’s feelings…when really I can’t wait to go home and puke.

6) Family. I lie about not being related to some people, but I can’t change who I’m related to. So I pretend that I am not related to them and if anyone finds out otherwise they totally understand why and they help to keep my secret.

7) Where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. I haven’t done this sense I was 20 but, I feel it’s worth the mention. Why? Because I had several boyfriends at that time…that’s why. So I was always lying about where I’d been and what I’d been doing. I remember one time I forgot and wore shorts to my other boyfriend’s house and I had a giant hicky on my inner thigh. I lied and said it was a bruise I got from work. LOL…he believed me. That was even funnier because, my best friend (who, btw, just had her second baby today!) was there laughing her ass off at me because she knew. The bitch almost gave me away! LOL, love you girl.

8) Knowing how to do things. There is a lot I know. Let me get that out there but, sometimes I feel as if I know I could do something as long as I have directions. Isn’t that what the web is for helping liars convince others of their superiority? …I thought so.

9) Sex. I don’t even want to hear a woman say that they have never faked and O. We all have from time to time. If we didn’t then our men would loose their giant ego and we’d either loose them to some other bitch who is better at faking an O or they don’t even try to please us anymore. Neither of which is acceptable to me.

10) Shaving. No one wants to see hairy legs or pits. If I’m wearing a long sleeved shirt and pants/jeans no one really knows if I have shaved or not. So if anyone asks…of course I’m going to say, “Yeah, I shaved last night.” I’m not stupid. LOL

11) Farting. I’m a lady and I do not fart, break wind, toot, pass gas, poot, flatuate, or anything else of a stinky nature. Okay, so that was another lie…see??!! I lie about farting all the time. It’s one of those women’s rights things. But, in reality, I can compete with my husband in a contest.

12) Smoking pot. Okay, I was a pot head. I have to admit that and go on. It’s illegal and I have kids so I quit when I got pregnant with my daughter. Is it hard to avoid? Yeah, but I’d rather be sober than loose my babies. Besides, drinking is legal and it’s more fun to have a few drinks with a friend at a bar than hiding in your house and being stoned because you don’t want to get thrown in jail. But yes, I did inhale...DID being the key word. Would I do it again if it were legal? No…okay, so I lied again…It would be a maybe. I was really stupid when I was a pot head so I don’t know that I would want to be dumb again.

13) Being afraid. I lie about not being afraid of certain things. It’s not until you know me that you learn I am deathly afraid of the dark and clowns and heights. I lie about this mostly to my children so they don’t decide to be afraid just because Mommy is and I want them to think I’m “Super-Mom.”

14) Ghosts. Whether it’s right or not, I tell my daughter there is no such things as ghosts. Why? Well, when she wakes up and is crying in the middle of the night because she thinks a ghost is going to get her…the only way to ease the fright is by reassuring her that there are no such things. Really, how would it sound to say, “Yeah, it could’ve been a ghost but, don’t worry most ghosts don’t like to scare little girls.”? I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep if my Mom told me that. So I tell this little white lie and she sleeps better at night.

15) Santa Clause. Yes, my kids believe in it. It was ruined for me when I was about 4 because my older brother spoiled the whole fantasy. “That’s really Dad, you know. Santa isn’t real.” So I play along with the whole Santa thing because, it’s really harmless and the kids get a kick out of it.

16) Time. I lie about how long certain things take to do. I can clean my entire house in a matter of hours (about 8) when really I pretend that it takes days. The reality is I would rather play with the kids, blog, and paint than clean for about 8 hours straight. That doesn’t make me bad. It just means I know how to prioritize, LOL.

17) Being excited about college. It’s really not that I’m lying about it but, more that I am fickle and when I’ve got a lot of work to do I don’t like college. When I get good grades and don’t have that much work to do I really like it.

18) Being a published author. I lie about just wanting to be a published author. Really, I want to be as well known as Stephen King when I become published.

19) Accidents. I have stated that I have never had an accident in my pants as an adult. That is a falsehood. While I was pregnant I was at the store and sneezed. Before I knew what had happened I had peed myself. I was mortified and left the basket full of groceries and drove straight home. I didn’t go anywhere for a few days.

20) Mowing the grass. I know I’ve said that I like it but, I only pretend to. I mow because I know I will get it done and my husband is more of a procrastinator than I am. Hard to believe, I know. LOL, I love you, baby ;)