THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your weddingday!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you
I've changed my mind.

I must admit,
you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday!
You look greatfor your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it' s time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a verylong time
..let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to dosomething special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.


(thanks jp these are hysterical!)

[I have ten more readers to do and then I'll post it tonight ;) ;]

Shakespeare Anyone?

SONNET 4
Unthrifty loveliness, why dost thou spend
Upon thyself thy beauty's legacy?
Nature's bequest gives nothing but doth lend,
And being frank she lends to those are free.
Then, beauteous niggard, why dost thou abuse
The bounteous largess given thee to give?
Profitless usurer, why dost thou use
So great a sum of sums, yet canst not live?
For having traffic with thyself alone,
Thou of thyself thy sweet self dost deceive.
Then how, when nature calls thee to be gone,
What acceptable audit canst thou leave?
Thy unused beauty must be tomb'd with thee,
Which, used, lives th' executor to be.

Hold Me, Love Me, Give all that you've got!

To let everyone know I am still doing the readers appritiation week. I will have a big post tomorrow for everyone. LOL, I got tired of sticking a couple in here and there.

I haven't had any hotties of the week for a while so that's what I'm focusing on today.

So ladies, give me a shout out!

WOW! I need me some of that!

...and no, it doesn't go any lower. I keep trying to look down for more too, but it hasn't helped.

The guy to the right there...He's thinking of me. Really. I'm serious. I've screwed him...just last night!

Okay, so maybe it was a dream I had brought on by the sex deprivation I am going through this week. Maybe it was just wishful thinking in my subconscience.

But it sure as HELL was a good dream!!

I'm so ready for the week end. I want to get a hold of my friend and go out dancing before I start school next week. Her time is pretty much filled with work and she starts school with me next week.

They all love me. Can't you see it? Once you've had a woman like me...

No one matches up.

"Tssssss."

Alright, I'm done with drooling over these hotties. I'm going to go fix my hair and put on my face because I'm going to torment my husband till he's as tormented as I am!

He will love it, Oh yes, He WILL LOVE IT!


(or esle, lol)

FYI

Never sniff a man's boxers to check if they need to be washed. If it's on the floor throw it in the laundry basket.

Body Bouncer

I want one. The Rogue Wit said okay but, being that I take care of the money and budget...I'll be buying myself one, with his money. Ah, some times being a woman is awesome...AWESOME!

I'm adding this to my links.
Look for it in the *Shopping* section.

QUESTION OF THE DAY
Are women off limits when they're having their Monthly Meltdown?

And

Should they be?

Criminal Lawyers Award

"A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest."

To find this story and others click HERE.

I AM ZOOT

Take the quiz: "Which Holy Grail Character Are You?"

Zoot
Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us.

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish...

Jammin' out to John Mayer! You guys are lucky. I was very tempted to post me singing to him today. Thank God I came to my senses!


And I don't know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say it's alright
You got your heart right

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather where ever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

I calledBecause
I justNeed to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away
Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness

I guess we've all felt like that at leat once in our life. Beautiful lyrics! I'm becoming pretty boring as of late. I've got an itch to drag out my elf deck and tweek it a little. HERE's a link for pitch4kman. I can't remember the name of my elf avatar and I can't find any of the new elf lords!

The Heedles One!
That's right.
I need a couple of those...maybe four:)


Maybe I should combine the elves and the wizards. Hmmm...

Okay, my DORK FACTOR just went up like 8 degrees I'm sure. I'm sorry! That bastard got me hooked on Magic. I don't get to play anymore anyway but, what the Hell. I'll have Sundays off. Can't wait for ya'll to be closer.

Alright. Here's a hot guy for the ladies!!!

Yes, yes, yes....I need me something hot and dark!

And I'm not talking about my coffee ;)

SWEET GOODNESS, I'm getting hot. I only wish that I could've found a naked picture of him. I'll keep searching.

Diligence! Diligence!!



XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Two For Tuesday!

Moments are like rain drops landing in a stream.

As you have now read that, so have you lost another moment of your life…

I will be taking my sweet, precious, innocent baby girl to school today. Last night we rearranged her room with the bed now being the focal point of the room. It’s beautiful. Courtesy, of her great grandmother, my daughter has a beautiful picture of a ballerina. A very lovely portrait and it is stunning on her wall, I must say. I am going to repaint the trim in her room to match the frame. The picture itself is perfect in her theme. The frame is purple in a faux finish with pink interior. Truly I hate pink but, it’s a soft pink leaning towards purple…not so bad. What matters more is that the room is for my daughter who loves…LOVES pink. The walls are sage green and will remain that color. As it so happens this picture has some of the green in it. I’m raising a girly-girl.

Who in this moment, the span of a day, half of a fly’s life…will be on the road to adult-hood.

I cannot get this moment back. EVER. My daughter is growing up. Adara is growing up. She’s growing up. (One more for emphasis…)
My BABY girl is GROWING UP!!!!!!!!

This message brought to you by PMS…making the moments.

This is really funny in a cosmic sort of way.

It rained all day yesterday. That was the one plus of my day. I enjoy the rain, immensely. There are so many found memories I have of the rain. Being out in it, smelling of rain, there’s really only two kind of people in the world, those who love the rain and those who hate it.

I had been seeing the Rogue Wit for a while. Bad guys were my preference but, the Rogue Wit was a good man. He was somewhat wild but, domesticated. Being the lady that I am, I held out. I had already discussed the time frame of “how long to wait before you sleep with a new guy.” I had meant to hold out a little longer but, I couldn’t.

All night we had driven around to hang out with his friends. We found ourselves out in, I think Purcell (which for those who don’t know the Okla state, it’s in BFN [bum fuck nowhere]) when there was a tornado warning (or was it watch?). With it pouring down rain and my urge to sleep in my own bed I told him I wanted to go home. His friend was bid us good night and he headed for bed. Yeah, I was younger…so the time was about 1-3 am. Walking out in the storm we were drenched two feet out of the door. I was rather scantily clad and ran to the car. (sigh) As much as I’d like to get rid of that damned old Mustang muscle car that my husband holds onto…I do love it just for this. The hood height is perfect.
When I reached the car I knew I had to have him…right there in the middle of the storm, in the rain, on the car. I loved the way his neck tasted in the rain. The thunder in the background and rain all around us…it was like magic.

That’s when I think we both knew we were meant for each other. We met at a psychic fair for goodness sake. Fate?

I like to watch him sleep some times. It helps to relax me when I’m in a bout of insomnia. I like to wake up with his arms clasp around me and his chin nuzzled in my neck like pieces of a puzzle popping together.

That’s what I think relationships are, giant puzzles. So many relationships don’t work out and why? It is really that simple. The pieces of our lives, personality, want…just don’t fit.

Babs- You are so funny sometimes I can’t stand it. Some of your posts I have had to reread even. Though, I wish you no more woes in your life filled with them…I do find your talent of turning a woe into a very good laugh. Seriously, you should get published.

Poemster- What can I say about the man who started all of this. If not for you coming to my site I would not have met Sarah and Peg and several others who lead me to others and so forth. You are a very intelligent man and wonderful father to your children. LOL, you were my first (blushing) and now I’m a blog nympho.

Peg- You are a lady full of wonderful surprises and are full of goodness. I look up to you. You’re a giver! I can only hope to become such a wonderful woman…such a wonderful poet and author!

8zero8- I got hooked on your site when you did the family feud game. LOL, you had such wonderful and funny posts. I miss your site as well.

Dear God,

Please don't let me kill my children. Don't let me maim anyone today either. Please heal the stupid people before I make them stupid and crippled. Help me to calm down and please...TAKE AWAY THIS HORRIBLE HEAD-ACHE.
Which is probably why I'm thinking about going on a murder spree.

Just Another Man Named, Monday

"I wish it was Sunday, 'cause that's my fun day..." -sorry, lol

UGH!

I woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning but, then my little boy hopped up on me and gave me a big kiss.
"Wake up Mama!"
How can I stay cranky after that?

LOL, trust me I can but, with a lot of practice I have learned to keep it to myself. I only like mornings when I've been a wake for a while. If that makes sense...

Can't stay long because we have to head back out and run some errands. YAY ERRANDS! Let me see. I have to finish getting school supplies (for myself as well as my daughter), stop by the bank, stop by the other elementary where they do the "speech therapy" because I need to enroll Aiden in it. [side note about my son...I can't get over how red his hair is! Both of the kids have my hair color but, when they go outside Adara's is more blonde and Aiden's is really bright red. Weird huh?]

Let me see...I know I missed something. Ah, that's right. Tonight is "Back to School Night" and I have to go get my Math text book...better call first though...I can't afford to waste the gas to head up to Rose State just for Bill and Ted to tell me, "Uhm, yeah. Well, it's not in yet. Why don't you check back tomorrow?"

Bastards, lol.




Smokey Smurf- Girl, you know you're closer than just a sister to me. You're strong even when you don't think you are and you always come out on top. I'm really proud of you. (Oops, sorry. I can't help being the older sister.) I love you but, you need to update your blog more often :)

Rogue Wit- What can I say? You're one of my favorite readers...and other things ;)

Pitch4kman- Well, you're a pretty good bitch, sometimes. I can't wait for you move closer so we can bust out our magic decks again. I'm kinda excited about this 9th edition stuff. I'll have to bring out my EVIL ELF DECK!!! Though my wizards are getting better. I need to get another avatar for my elves though and then you're in trouble!

Andrea- Girl, I'll go easy on you and we'll team up against the men, LOL.

Man in the Middle- You always had something interesting for me to check out. I miss your blog.

Rathwel- I hope you find what you've been looking for because all of your old readers still miss you. You need to get that book published so that I can finish it. I was caught up in it! We miss you.

jp- LOL, girl...I'm going to have to call you soon!

Okay...I'll hit some more of my readers tomorrow. It's the week of reader appritiation!!!
(sorry spell check didn't know how to spell appritiation either:)

That's Just My Baby's Daddy

“Go away Daddy, I’m talking to my ‘baby’s Daddy.’”
My daughter is so funny. Let me just say that she’s already got herself a boyfriend and when she told her Daddy this I had to call her boyfriends Mother and let her know the skinny. LOL, there had better not be any baby Daddies in the future or her Daddy is going to go hunting…highlander style.
[Damn it, I must beat my addiction to Blog Ho’s site. All I can think of is, “There can be only Juan and my name is Juan.” LOL]

So Blog Ho, This part is for you.

You are like…Monty Python on crack.
You are like…the white Carlos Mencia.
You are like…the straightest gay man alive.
You are like…the gayest straight man alive and the best highlander around.
You are also like that wreck that we all stare at in disbelief, horror…because we can’t take our eyes off of it.
You’re the stuff they put in with McDonalds fries that makes them addictive.

Maybe I’ll just do a post for my readers this week.

Yes, that is the theme for this week as I will surely be needing to get my mind off of my baby girl starting school. *gasp*

Sarah Laughs A Lot-

Aside from her laughing a lot she makes others laugh as well.
Not to mention you get more action than I do but, I’m trying to catch up.
Does self-service count?
Sarah, you are a woman who knows what she wants, when, where, and how you want it.
*clapping*
Everyone give it up for Miss Laughs A Lot!
Now you can just move your little butt down here so we can hang out watching horror movies and doing buttery nipple shots!
“Bottoms up!”


Jerzee Girl-

As women I think we owe it too ourselves to befriend each other.
I’m rather picky about my friends and you are one of them.
She’s taken crap and flung the poo back.
Bravery isn’t measured by lack of fear but, by how much of that we over come.
;)


Personal Note: My husband is subjecting me to Star Trek rock bands on the Movie Trekkies Two. Send help! So when is the Star Trek CSI supposed to start?
“What is it Spok?”
“Well, Captain, I found this hair on the cadets red shirt. It appears it is not human. I will have the Doc put a rush on this.”
-ROTF…okay, so I’m the only one who appreciates my humor.

This is the last week before I go to school. Sorry, I always get a little more serious when school arrives. Got a new hair-do by the way, two tone. I kinda look like that one spice girl now, you know “old spice.” LOL

Well, I’ll post about three more readers tomorrow but, I’ve got to get off of the lap top and scream. Why? Why the HELL not? It seems my son thinks he can throw a fit because I said “No.” So I’m going to show him what a REAL fit looks like right before I pop him on the butt. TOODLES!

I'm In LOVE

Yes, I'm in love...
All over again.

With whom?

Rogue Wit!

Last night after I had been stressing and obsessing over things I don't really need to worry about (breath), my husband was joking around with me. The bastard, lol. Don't men realize women do not want to be bothered when we're having a woman moment? Really, guys.

Well, after he annoyed the crap out of me and poked and teased (okay, so I liked...LOVE it) he handed me a sheet of paper.

It was a flyer with scantily clad women on it. Upon further inspection I realized that they were belly-dancers. I had taken a few courses in it before and I practice some with the tapes I have here at home. (My daughter does them with me, she likes the belly dances...Interestingly enough my son likes to 2-step with me, he's getting really good at the cotton-eye-Joe.)

UH-hm...

Well, I jokingly said, "So what? Are you trying to tell me I'm fat?"

"Of course not, dear." I love a trained man.

Then he went on to explain. He knows this girl at work who does the classes. We've actually both seen her before at the medieval Fair. She told Rogue Wit that if he set her up with a website for her classes and maintained it that she'd give me free lessons! FREE!

Isn't that the shit!

My husband is always doing things like that for me. He's the most wonderful man in the world and I've got him. Sorry ladies but, he only has eyes for me.

It's the way he says my name. He never basterdizes it by shortening it. He looks me in the eyes and I can see how much he loves me. Hell, I feel it across the room. The gifts that he gives to me are so precious and sweet. He knows me so well.

I know I'm hard on him but, he doesn't mind. He still loves me and all of my faults. He is my prince charming (though he will tell you he is no knight in shining armor for his armor is battle scared and tarnished). He loves me when I run around the house singing and annoying everyone in general. He loves me when I give him a zerbert on the ass-cheek in his sleep (though he says he hates it, I know he really loves it, LOL). Okay, so I fibbed. I don't really do that...while he sleeps. ;)

Have I told you I love you today? I love you, baby.
[ps, if you're bored...check out the new FOAMY cartoon or some of the old ones!]

Weekend Astrology

As I look into my crystal ball I see...
Some stank man feet in the weekend forecast. Dang man, scrub that shit off!
Seek some guidance from your friendly (or overly friendly) Geminis around Saturday.
Happy Birthday Leo's!



Dude, I pulled the honey card out on the first draw. Spice it up with some Zesty Italian salad dressing. Mmmm...nothing is as sexy as a man in the kitchen cooking (did I mention you should try cooking nude...uhm, well, baking...not frying.)



It's okay. Everybody has known for a while and I think this weekend is the right time to come out. Man, everyone knows all male Libra's are gay. It's like science or something. DON'T ARGUE WITH MADAM BOABHAN! I know all. That and the moon is in the Uranus house over the weekend.



You must be stuck in an 80's time loop because I still see spandex in your weekend forecast. Damn, girl. Maybe you should check out the sex shops. Yes, I've just had a premonition of the best night of sex in your life and it revolves around lots of spandex. So it is said, so shall it be...



Yeah, that dick surgery is taking longer than you thought. Shouldn't have pissed her off and she wouldn't have "rubber banded" your dong. Try a strap on this weekend. This time it'll be you pretending to get off and not her.



I see a freak sex accident involving a foot and some weird toe STD in store for the weekend. Stay inside this weekend and don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex.


A-Quar-I-us...Damn it that's the best song. I'll have to down load it off Kazaa. Nope, you're not getting laid this weekend unless you send me money. Email me for the detail ;)


I wonder if they need to change the name from Pisces to Pissies. LOL, doubt that will happen until 2303. Not that I had a vision or anything...
In other news: I'll be sending you an email with your cut of the money as soon as I hear from Aquarius. Damn they're so gullible, hehehe.



Oh, sweet, Lord...you've gotten even hotter! You will get a LOT of HOT booty this weekend. Call me!



My crystal ball is foggin up again...no wait, I see...
You smoking crack and sucking dick for your next fix. Damn man. *shaking head* You could've eaten me out for the money and now you're gay. This is not going to be your weekend.



Okay, so the shock therapy you tried only succeeded in singe-ing all of your body hair off. The shaved/bald look kinda suits you. Call your doctor today and ask about our new pill: Siykotrips. The only side effect is vaginal and dick bleeding but, you're not getting laid anyway...so why not?


Dude, this weekend you will be giving Blog Ho some cancer. I know, I know..."that's not a prediction." It's an order dumb-ass. I don't get any giant shlong until some one gives him cancer! After that I see you going to jail because apparently it's "illegal" to "give" people cancer. Maybe next weekend will be better.

Shaken Mommy Syndrome

My daughter's teacher called today.

No, she's not started school yet. She doesn't start until Tuesday the 16th. I will not cry until I return home from dropping her off. Then I will drive home hug my little 3 year old as I let go of one into the worlds claws.

Of course I may be over reacting. This is a possibility but, it does nothing to ease this ache in my stomach when I think about sending my daughter out into the public school system. She's ready. She wants to go and wants me to stay home. My daughter is very out going. I know she will do well. Still, I fear for her...Mommy fears. Who will kiss her boo-boos when she scrapes a knee? Who will keep her from being taken advantage of? Who will keep her from being bullied...or from bullying other children? It will be a woman I don't know but, we just talked on the phone Wednesday. She seemed a very nice lady. Isn't that what they say about all of those child molesters or murders?



Yeah, I'm over reacting. But they're my babies and I am their protector. Don't mess with a Momma lioness. She'll rip you to pieces before you knew you had done something wrong.

I guess my fears about how I developed as a teen and pre-teen are popping up. I was watching these guys and getting high while laughing with my friends, "Uh-hu-hu-hu...Uh-hu-hu-hu."

God, how do we keep our children from making the same mistakes and from ending up with the same fears we developed? How do we change who we are in the name of our children's future? Why did any of us ever have children with all of the stresses that arise from them?

When my children tell me they love me. When my daughter says, "You came into check on me to see if I was alright, huh?" "Yes, Baby girl. I am coming to check on you to make sure you were alright." When my son walks up to me and gives me a bear hug followed by a heart felt, "Uv Ooo Mama." "Love you too, Baby boy." When I lay my head on my husbands broad shoulders and feel him hold me close and know that I don't bare this burden alone...That's why.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...

Yesterday I realized I had to get my school books for this semester. Well, it’s really a lot of trouble when one only has one car in a two car family. Rogue Wit was kind enough to waste his lunch hour by driving home so I could drop him back off to work and run my errands. I was originally going to do this today but, Rogue Wit needs the car today.

Well, being that this was a spur of the moment decision, I had to scramble to gather all of my things together. That doesn’t even include dressing the children and packing an “oops bag” just in case.

But Devona, shouldn’t the kids already be dressed?

Yes, and they were but, the night before they went to that birthday party and got all sorts of candy from a piñata. My son was several shades of red and green from different candies he had “tasted” and decided he didn’t like. I hate taking them places when they look like they’ve been left to run around without parental supervision. Isn’t it policy to allow your kids to get sugared up the day after a party? Like Halloween, don’t lie and tell me that you don’t allow your kids to eat all of their goodies the next day. They bring home the candy, you send them to bed, look over the candy to make sure it wasn’t tampered with, and take out a couple of your favorites (hey, those who walk with the children deserve some kind of reward).

Hmmm…Wait; okay…I remember what I was talking about.

So after washing off the children, putting on my makeup, doing my hair, and packing their bag, I sit down to make myself a list of things to get done.

List:
*speak with financial aid and make sure my grants are in
*if grants are in pick up school books
*refill Rogue Wit’s B/P medicine (@ Wal-mart)
*pick up new parking permit for the college
*stop by the elementary school and get my son in speech therapy
*go to the store (not Wal-mart)
*pick up Rogue Wit from work

Seems rather simple doesn’t it? Well, keep in mind I didn’t receive the car until noon. Then it was straight to the college. I actually was able to park close to the admissions building. Then I drag my little ones with me up there to ask admissions about my parking permit. They tell me I’ll have to ask at the student center.

No problem. I’ve got to go over there to ask some questions about my financial aid and grants anyway. Plus, I’ve got to get a print out of my classes because my printer here at the house only prints it out half way.

So I drag the kids two buildings over. I ask the lady at the student counsel desk to print me off a schedule. The lady was busy and told me it’d be ten minutes or so. No problem. I will go up stairs and talk with the financial aid.

My grants are in and I can go get my books! YAY! So, I go back down stairs and pick up my print off. Then I ask the lady about the parking permit to which she replies, “Honey, you get that at the admissions building.”
“Uhm, I was over there and they told me to come here.”
“Were you in the cashiers’ line?”
“Uhm, no. I was in the admissions and information line but, they told me to come here. They didn’t say anything about the cashiers’ line.”

It kind of pisses me off because the admissions line and the cashiers’ line are in the same hall. This is no shit. You walk through the double doors and to your right are the admissions and information windows and to your left are the cashiers’ windows. You’d think being that they can just call across the hallway they’d know what was going on…you’d think.

Well, I was closer to the book store so I dragged the kids over one more building to get my books and supplies. Of course I get there and have to wait. I hate students help in the book store. It was a bunch of nineteen-twenty year olds fresh out of high school and one old horny woman who giggled as much as they did. When they got around to me it took them a good twenty minutes of “looking” for the books. Wasting all of this time only to find three out of the four books I need and all the while my children are telling me that they’re hungry.

“Okay, so when can I come back and get my math book?”
“Probably on Monday but, you should call first.”

Thank you Bill and Ted. Bastards! So I drag my children back three buildings to the admissions building and to my joy there was no line at the cashier window. So I get up there and fill out the thing only I can’t remember the tag of the mini-van. I’m a woman; okay…we don’t remember shit like that. No problem though. She tells me to take it out to my car and bring it back.

So I get out to my car and say fuck it. It’s 1:15 and the kids haven’t had lunch and I’ve still got a lot to do left on my list. I’ll bring it back next week. After all she didn’t say “when” to bring it back.

So we stop at Pizza Hut about 1:40. My daughter realizes that it’s not Mazzio’s and gets upset.

“Pizza Hut is just as good if not better…now eat your pizza.”
“I wanna go to the better one, Mama.”
“EAT.”

As we’re finishing I realize my left leg is wet. I look down and realize my son had an accident and I’m sharing in his humility. DAMN. So I strip him in the car only to realize that I only packed extra pull-ups and a shirt. What was I thinking? I don’t know. So I had to put new pull-ups on him and back on with the wet shorts. I can’t very well take him in to get him enrolled in nothing but a shirt and pull-ups.

So I dropped the script off at Wal-mart because I can do a million things in the time it takes them to fill a script even when they say it will only be 20 minutes. Then I race to the school. I get there and find out that I have everything but, proof of residence and his birth certificate. DAMN IT.

Well, it’s now 3:00 and I wouldn’t be able to make it back home, find the documents, and get back there in time. So, I run to Crest and do my shopping that I neglected this weekend. It was 3:30. I race back to Wal-mart and pick up the script, which I had to wait an extra 15 minutes for and then by 4:00 I was on my way to pick up the Rogue Wit who gets off at 4:45. It takes me a good 30-40 minutes to get up there. This time it only took me 15 minutes. DAMN. So at 4:15 I call and leave a message for Rogue Wit telling him I was there and would just wait it out.

So all in all I got most of the stuff done. It just sucks that now I have to go back again next week. Next week (on Tuesday) my daughter starts school. Sigh.

This is what happens when I'm rushed, LOL.

Happy Birthday to Pitch4k's two oldest daughters!

We went to a birthday party last night for a 6 and an 8 year old.

God, there were like 6 kids there!

Dang it, too many children. My son was overwhelmed by it all. He's kinda anti-social.

Anyway, my old man wrote THIS last night...it's cute and being that I'm running everywhere today I thought I'd share.

Let It Rain

Coming home from Tracy’s Sunday afternoon I just missed a good 20 minute down poor. I love the rain and so far all of the good rains the last two months have missed us every time. I was disappointed and jokingly I said to my husband, “God must just hate me.”

Not even two full hours later another storm popped up and came straight to here. It was like God was telling me, “That hurt.”

I’m sorry.

......

You know it's beautiful when the rain pools and bubbles on the sidewalk. Yes, let it rain!

The trees are always a little more beautiful in the rain. The thunder's roar is almost like a mother's heart beat to her new born babe. It isn't a wonder these stormy days make us want to sleep. It's so soothing to the soul...it puts me in a better mood.

My daughter is stepping out in the rain and spinning in it. I remember doing that. I remember that I always felt a little better when it rained. Like somebody was crying for me/with me.

Not only is it soothing but, it sets an exciting mood. Sunshine doesn't make for a very good setting in a scary movie. All the really good old scary movies started out in the rain. There's always that edge of apprehension. You have to worry whether it will knock out the power leaving you alone in pitch black with only occasional flashes of lightening to light the way. Who knows which boogy man lies in wait just behind you?

I think it's that edge of excitement that I love with a good storm. I get the urge to crawl up next to an open window with a drink and a good book.

Matter of fact...

I think I need to pull out that new John Saul book I bought the other day.

After all I only have next week before school starts.

So, I promise to post once a day.

I'm going to put myself on a routine and make myself keep it.

:)(: :)(: :)(: :)(: :)(: :)(: :)(: :)(: :)(: :)(: :)(:

Ya'll gonna make me loose my mind...

I know it's wrong but, I just couldn't help myself.
I had to share this; it made me giggle.

Hope your weekend is going great!


Yeah, it's very wrong but, I blame Ho and his bad influence on me. LOL

Or it might be the decline of my generation.

Up-Date

My Mother-in-law is doing better. They kept her over night to make sure she was okay. We're going to drop by and check on her later this afternoon/evening.

That's as exciting as I'm getting today.


Enjoy your weekend!

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-roll tootsie-pop?"

Freaky Friday

No astrology today. The crystal ball is on the Fritz. So instead, I'm going to do the forecast:

It will rain, be sunny, be humid, be hot, and there will be some wind in the states today.

...but not all in the same place.

Sorry, I just have a lot to do today. I've got to take my son over and get registered for speech therapy. My husband has a doctors appointment. I have to go up to the college to make sure all my grants and things are all in line and I'm all set for fall.

Sunday I'm going to down to Tecumseh with the kids to see my best friend and her new baby. I went to the hospital night before last and got my fill of holding Dustin for a while. He's SO CUTE! Eh, I can't help it. I never imagined in my wildest dreams the joy I experience having my children play with my best friends children. It's incredible!

Well, tonight I'm going to enjoy some Weird Travels on the Travel Channel. I love the haunted hotels they do. I can't get enough of the spooky stuff. My house is all decorated for Halloween.

My friends haven't said anything about it. They know me too well. Even my husband hasn't given me any grief over it. The old rule was I couldn't put up the decorations until the end of August but, I won't have time to do so then. I'll be at the end of my fast tract class and taking the finals for it.

So what is everyone going to be for Halloween this year?

If you all aren't decided, click on the grave email at the All Halloween Blog and send your pic in. The others and myself will look it over and post a photo-shopped version of your ideal Halloween costume.

I'm so excited about Halloween coming this year, I can hardly control myself.

In other news, my Mother-in-law has gallstones and is having surgery today to remove them. Keep her in your prayers. She is a wonderful lady and I hate to see her in pain.

Also, if anyone gets bored enough and wants to contribute. I think I will do a "palm reading Tuesday" next week but, in order to do so I will need some palm pictures.

Come on...
Anyone??
????

Guess That's Why They Call It THe Blues-Elton John

Don't wish it away

Don't look at it like it's forever

Between you and me

I could honestly say

That things can only get better

*
And while I'm away

Dust out the demons inside

And it won't be long

Before you and me run

To the place in our hearts

Where we hide

*
And I guess that's why

They call it the blues

Time on my hands

Could be time spent with you

Laughing like children

Living like lovers

Rolling like thunder under the covers

And I guess that's why

They call it the blues

*
Just stare into space

Picture my face in your hands

Live for each second

Without hesitation

And never forget I'm your man
Without me girl

Cry in the night if it helps

But more than ever I simply love you

More than I love life itself

*
And I guess that's why

They call it the blues

Time on my hands

Could be time spent with you

Laughing like children

Living like lovers

Rolling like thunder under the covers

And I guess that's why

They call it the blues

*
Wait on me girl

Cry in the night if it helps

But more than ever I simply love you

More than I love life itself

*
And I guess that's why

They call it the blues

Time on my hands

Could be time spent with you

Laughing like children

Living like lovers

Rolling like thunder under the covers

And I guess that's why

They call it the blues

Did I mention I hate the sound of my own voice??

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

20 things I lie about

1) My hair color. I’m blonde, but I like to pretend to be a red-head sometimes.

2) Giving head. I never admit to it…SHIT, I guess I just did. Damn!

3) Buying things. I guess it isn’t bad because if I told my husband what I got him for his birthday/Christmas when I bought it…it wouldn’t be much fun.

4) My height. I’m only about 5’6” maybe 7” on a good day but, I like to say I’m about 5’8” or 9”. I can’t help it, my little sister is taller than I am and it drives me nuts not to be tall. Damn it, I have to keep a step-stool in about every room.

5) Liking food. I always try new dishes unless it’s got more than three foods I hate in it. So, I have been known to say I like it as to not hurt someone’s feelings…when really I can’t wait to go home and puke.

6) Family. I lie about not being related to some people, but I can’t change who I’m related to. So I pretend that I am not related to them and if anyone finds out otherwise they totally understand why and they help to keep my secret.

7) Where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. I haven’t done this sense I was 20 but, I feel it’s worth the mention. Why? Because I had several boyfriends at that time…that’s why. So I was always lying about where I’d been and what I’d been doing. I remember one time I forgot and wore shorts to my other boyfriend’s house and I had a giant hicky on my inner thigh. I lied and said it was a bruise I got from work. LOL…he believed me. That was even funnier because, my best friend (who, btw, just had her second baby today!) was there laughing her ass off at me because she knew. The bitch almost gave me away! LOL, love you girl.

8) Knowing how to do things. There is a lot I know. Let me get that out there but, sometimes I feel as if I know I could do something as long as I have directions. Isn’t that what the web is for helping liars convince others of their superiority? …I thought so.

9) Sex. I don’t even want to hear a woman say that they have never faked and O. We all have from time to time. If we didn’t then our men would loose their giant ego and we’d either loose them to some other bitch who is better at faking an O or they don’t even try to please us anymore. Neither of which is acceptable to me.

10) Shaving. No one wants to see hairy legs or pits. If I’m wearing a long sleeved shirt and pants/jeans no one really knows if I have shaved or not. So if anyone asks…of course I’m going to say, “Yeah, I shaved last night.” I’m not stupid. LOL

11) Farting. I’m a lady and I do not fart, break wind, toot, pass gas, poot, flatuate, or anything else of a stinky nature. Okay, so that was another lie…see??!! I lie about farting all the time. It’s one of those women’s rights things. But, in reality, I can compete with my husband in a contest.

12) Smoking pot. Okay, I was a pot head. I have to admit that and go on. It’s illegal and I have kids so I quit when I got pregnant with my daughter. Is it hard to avoid? Yeah, but I’d rather be sober than loose my babies. Besides, drinking is legal and it’s more fun to have a few drinks with a friend at a bar than hiding in your house and being stoned because you don’t want to get thrown in jail. But yes, I did inhale...DID being the key word. Would I do it again if it were legal? No…okay, so I lied again…It would be a maybe. I was really stupid when I was a pot head so I don’t know that I would want to be dumb again.

13) Being afraid. I lie about not being afraid of certain things. It’s not until you know me that you learn I am deathly afraid of the dark and clowns and heights. I lie about this mostly to my children so they don’t decide to be afraid just because Mommy is and I want them to think I’m “Super-Mom.”

14) Ghosts. Whether it’s right or not, I tell my daughter there is no such things as ghosts. Why? Well, when she wakes up and is crying in the middle of the night because she thinks a ghost is going to get her…the only way to ease the fright is by reassuring her that there are no such things. Really, how would it sound to say, “Yeah, it could’ve been a ghost but, don’t worry most ghosts don’t like to scare little girls.”? I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep if my Mom told me that. So I tell this little white lie and she sleeps better at night.

15) Santa Clause. Yes, my kids believe in it. It was ruined for me when I was about 4 because my older brother spoiled the whole fantasy. “That’s really Dad, you know. Santa isn’t real.” So I play along with the whole Santa thing because, it’s really harmless and the kids get a kick out of it.

16) Time. I lie about how long certain things take to do. I can clean my entire house in a matter of hours (about 8) when really I pretend that it takes days. The reality is I would rather play with the kids, blog, and paint than clean for about 8 hours straight. That doesn’t make me bad. It just means I know how to prioritize, LOL.

17) Being excited about college. It’s really not that I’m lying about it but, more that I am fickle and when I’ve got a lot of work to do I don’t like college. When I get good grades and don’t have that much work to do I really like it.

18) Being a published author. I lie about just wanting to be a published author. Really, I want to be as well known as Stephen King when I become published.

19) Accidents. I have stated that I have never had an accident in my pants as an adult. That is a falsehood. While I was pregnant I was at the store and sneezed. Before I knew what had happened I had peed myself. I was mortified and left the basket full of groceries and drove straight home. I didn’t go anywhere for a few days.

20) Mowing the grass. I know I’ve said that I like it but, I only pretend to. I mow because I know I will get it done and my husband is more of a procrastinator than I am. Hard to believe, I know. LOL, I love you, baby ;)

Willy-Wonky-Wednessday

A few things...

First, my best-friend since third grade is having her second and last baby. Yup, she gets her tubes tied today as soon as they cut the little devil out of her. I don't have all of the gory details yet, but I will share them as soon as they're made known.

UPDATE: Dustin Allan Ballard was just born at a wopping 8 lbs!
Congradulation girl!!
I'll be seeing you this evening!!!!

Second, my Mother-in-law (a super fantasticly wonderful woman) is having gallbladder problems. For the story click HERE.

Third, I joing the All Halloween Blog. I have not yet put up a link to it so you have to click HERE to visit. Sorry, guys...it was too much of a temptation.

What's that?

No no no...don't worry. I'm not deleting this blog nor shall I stop blogging here. I'm just going to post most of my Halloween stuff over there. I'll save the really naughty posts for over here though. I know how you all love the naughty.

Not much else interresting at this moment.

One little monkey jumping on the bed...

I LOVE this. I'm actually thinking about getting that same tattoo. Only, maybe it should be a gay man...just so I wouldn't be accused of copying someone else.

Brass Monkey, that funky monkey!

Get this monkey off my back.

Monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Ass monkey!

Monkey business.

Uhm...that's all I can think of.

Can anyone esle think of other monkey sayings or songs about monkey?

Lemon-Limericks

No one can tell about Myrtle
Whether she's sterile or fertile.
If anyone tries
To tickle her thighs
She closes them tight like a turtle.

A certain young sheik I'm not namin'
Asked a flapper he thought he was tamin',
"Have you your maidenhead?"
"Don't be foolish," she said,
"But I still have the box that it came in."

Quoth the coroner's jury in Preston,
"The verdict is rectal congestion."
They found an eight-ball
On a shoemaker's awl
Halfway up the major's intestine.

All the lady-apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long.
But a friendly giraffe
Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.

There was a young man from Dallas
Who had an exceptional phallus.
He couldn't find room
In any girl's womb
Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.

There was a young man of Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
His tool, when at ease,
Hung down to his knees,
Oh, what must it be when it rises!

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four fifths of five eights of fuck-all.

The Monday Blues

I was up most of the night. The insomnia never fails to resume it's corner of my life.

It' has been brought to my attention that my site is a little over the top and somewhat vulgar.

Yeah, I can admit that this summer while I've been off I've played with this site like a giddy teenage girl. Should I act more my age? I'll be twenty-seven on October 17th. How does a 27 year old mother of two and full time college student who works part time cleaning houses act?

At first my feelings were really hurt over this and I considered deleting this blog. I thought about it for a while. This blog is too much a part of me and I've got too many blogging buddies to just throw it all away. I think I'm just a little moody as of late. The other night my husband made a comment about my being afraid of the dark and I broke down in tears.

Now don't go getting mad at the Rogue Wit. I am terrified of the dark and I sleep with a night light. I'm not ashamed, but it hurts to have every man that I've been with hold that against me. When the Rogue Wit made mention of it I was overly emotional and thought that he was doing the same thing. Poor Rogue Wit. He was a little caught off guard. I'm not the crying type.

Stress is just mounting over here again. I think I'm a little more worried about my baby girl starting school than I thought. Then, on top of that, my husband is very unhappy with his job. So I'm stressing over that.

This being a Monday I thought I'd open up the floor. What do you guys want to talk about this morning? It's Open Mic Monday!!! Go ahead and get that thing off of your chest!

Maybe if we all bitch (because bitchery loves company) we'll all feel better and I can sleep tonight. That and special thanks to Rogue Wit who found the benedryl so I can dope up on those and get a few more hours of sleep tonight.

"Have a good day baby, I love you."