The Baby's Heart Beat!

My sister got to hear her baby's heart beat today...160 bpm (beats per minute)! Sounds like a girl to me...boys heart beats are usually slower...but, we'll just have to wait and see.

Masks

msk4
Originally uploaded by boabhan sith.

Lets take them off
Our faked faces
I've had enough
Of made of places

And fasle glances
Of not real smiles
In unreal trances
Of not real trials

Lets be who we are
For better of worse
And not who "they" are
A mummy in curse

"How you should see me"

msk
Originally uploaded by boabhan sith.

Some of us
Would rather not
See ourselves in the mirror
Some of us
Would rather blot
Out what we see as terror

And so we take
A little bit
Of what we see as good
And then we make
Ourselves a kit
And cover what we could

And with this thing
That we've created
From our self-loathing task
We steadfastly cling
To all we've related
Our "how others should see me" Mask

Arawn

LIZRADS 001
Originally uploaded by boabhan sith.

This one has to be my favorite of two remaining lizards I have. Mostly because I picked him out and bought him myself. Arawn was the celtic king of the underworld. So far he has survived all the battles between himself and my celtic monster-Aillen. I believe that is credit enough for a king.

Aillen

LIZRADS 003
Originally uploaded by boabhan sith.

I aquired this lizard from a friend and changed his name to Aillen. Mostly because I couldn't bring myself to keep calling him Hitler.
Aillen is a celtic underworld monster and the name seemed more appropriate.
Seeing as how he killed the two other lizards that tried to live with him.

My Old Man

car
Originally uploaded by boabhan sith.

(sigh)
This is one of my favorite pics of the Rogue Wit. I have SO many fond memories of him and that damn car.
-Now if it were only still drive-able.-
Makes me sentimental for "that song," by Big Wreck.

Booh!?

KIDS AND LIZRADS 010
Originally uploaded by boabhan sith.

She's getting an early start on Halloween. If you can't tell, which I'm betting on, she's a ghost. And using the baby blanket that I crocheted for her as her cover.
Adorable!

Of Evil Grins...hehehehe

KIDS AND LIZRADS 007
Originally uploaded by boabhan sith.

It's that smile that lets him get away with murder. As I recall it has gotten his daddy out of certain death as well. LOL
That's my boy!

Just One Of Those Mornings, I guess...

Where to begin?!
I wake up this morning to my sweet husband asking me,
"Baby, what time did you need to get up to make your calls?"
"The office doesn't even open up till like 8 or 9!"
It was just a simple question and I totally snapped his precious little head off. LOL. I feel kinda bad, but he knows me enough to know that I just haven't been sleeping well and he takes that kind of thing as a grain of salt.
So, when I did get up at 8 and grab the phone to make the call...I get one of those--
"The person who's extension you have reached, is on the phone, leave a message if you would like your call returned."
Better and better! So I then I grab my robe and get up. I walk around the bed to open the curtains like I do every morning (being the good little obsessive compulsive woman that I am). I was about to start making the bed when I stepped on something...squishy! I don't even have to tell you how disgusted I was at this. I looked down and to my horror, saw that my cat had gotten sick! GROSS! And I have only myself to blame.
You see, last night, in the midst of a "meowing episode" I fed the cat again. At the time I didn't realize it was the second can of food he had received, the faker. You ever have one of those moments? Dez (the cat) was creating such a ruckus, acting as if he was starving to death that I got up and checked his bowl to see if he had food. It was empty, at least the bowl was. He has one of those self-pouring containers for the dry food. So naturally I apologized to my "Precious baby kitty" for being such a notty mamma and forgetting to give him a can of food that day. The faker.
So as I'm cleaning the mess and pressing the redial button over and over to get through to the Hospital's office (because it's now 9:45 and I know she can't be on the phone for that long--I worked there, I know what goes on), I'm bitching at myself for falling for one of the cats many, "I'm so neglected" acts.
Good times, good times.
And not only all of that, but now my mother who was going to give me a ride to get my shots--has gone back to sleep. I give up, ya know. I guess I'll wait till we get paid and see what the cab fair is going to be for myself and the two kids for two separate round trips and then a third round trip 48hours after I have the TB test.
We have two cars infront of the house and neither of them is drivable. How does that happen? My husband is freaking Magiver...we should be able to have a second running car. This is just ridiculous.

Coffee, coffee is good. Thank God for those precious bitter beans.

...Must I sleep now, for the dreams will return...

Light, or the absence of
Seeps into this house
It calls my body
My mind, to rest
I cannot deny the temptation
Slinking into nothing
Yet only slumber can provide
And yet it only denies me
Do I close my eyes and dream
...Nightmares, again
Torn between exhaustion and
the calming effect I can create
only while awake
Sighing, I close my eyes
and pray for nothing,
no dreams
no nightmares
anxious for the light
yet hating it's torturous rays

Good Ol' Philippians

Philippians 4:4-8 & 13

Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice
Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Verses 4-8 a good man by the name of Gary, had me memorize when I was about 13. I needed mentoring and a guideline. Those verses gave me them. Although, I liked the way they were put in the NIV version I had better than the King James version that I copied them from tonight. I couldn't find my old Bible from high-school. Things like, let your gentleness be evident to all, for the Lord is near...and, in everything through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. I remember almost all of it. You see he told me, that in order to control our life we had to be able to control our mind. These verses tell us how. Saying to think on things that are good and just and honorable and so on.
The last verse, 13 is one I learned in my 6th grade Bible class. I still quote it to myself...quite often. It simply says that I can do anything, because God helps me. Without Him I would most certainly not be here because, I am not stronge. It is "Christ which strengtheneth me."
Philippians is a small book in the Bible. It contains only 4 chapters and is in the New Testament. My other favorite chapters are from the Old Testament: Job and Proverbs. Although the Psalms are very good as well. Hehehe...But I highly recomend Philippians to everyone. It helps to life your spirits.

"Beware the Full Moon"

It’s a full moon out tonight. Maybe that’s the problem. Some may say that is just superstitious BS, but let me tell you, I’ve worked in Hospitals and Nursing Homes long enough to know to “Beware the Full Moon.”
Hmm…my fingers need to type and I am not sure what will flow out of them. It was not my intention to be online tonight, but here I am. My name is Devona, well, Teri Devona, but Teri is also my father’s and my brother’s first name, both having the middle initial D. Suffice it to say, I have gone by Devona as long as I can remember. Devona means brave. Am I brave, well, some think so, but I’m more of a protector by my standards. I don’t consider myself brave. At all, but I know people who would argue. (shrugging shoulders)
I am who I am. I know me. That is one of my only redeeming qualities. I can’t be anybody else, although it’s nice to dream some times. But then you wake up and realize that what you and I consider perfect is somebody-else’s hell. It is also true what they say about the garbage thing…”One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure.” We can never fully see through some one else’s eyes. It’s a shame. A shame, because if we saw ourselves the way others see us some of us would be more self-confident…while others would have to stop being so high and mighty.
The last three months have been a struggle, to say the least. If it had not been for my “true family” we wouldn’t have been able to make it. Before I started this blog I wrote in my journal. I have kept a journal since high-school and am kicking myself for destroying my old ones. At the time, I felt it was a fitting end to some of my past hells and yet I am mourning their loss. We must learn from our mistakes. I hold this truth close to my heart because, I can always find new and unusual ways to fuck things up. It’s one of my more enduring qualities. (evil grin)
A little over a year ago I got my GED and started college a few months later. I tried working at a small hospital part-time (nights) but it was too much. My husband and I decided for me to just stay home so I could focus on family and school. Then about January or February (I can’t remember now) my husbands business was shut down. We had some money saved up—Thank God—and were able to live off of my house cleaning money and the money he got from small tasks through an agency. Well, he finally got a job full-time, but we had used up all of our savings. What is really crazy is that we made only $100 too much a year to get food stamps. I’ll let you all do the math.
We are finally at the end of what has been an endless desert of worry and strife.
I guess this was all just to test my determination or something along those lines as far as school goes. What ever the reason…I hope I have proved myself. I hope I have let no one down.

My Alien Abduction, sort of...

When I was about, oh...15-16-ish, I had a very dear friend, Christina. We still keep in contact through email, though she lives in LA.
We went everywhere together for several years. I staid at her house quite often, because she lived near the Shawnee twin lakes. Her parents had this little run down trailer that I loved which was in the middle of the woods and you had to know where you going to get there.
She had an above ground swimming pool, though I don't know why. We would just sneak to the lakes edge and go swimming after it got dark. It was a $200 fine if you were caught swimming in any area but the designated one. Poowee on them! I suppose we should have been afraid of getting bitten by a cotton-mouth (water snake-very poisonous), but we lived in Oklahoma. We were both taught how to spot and tell the difference between poisonous and non-poisonous snakes. I knew how to catch them and we both knew enough not to provoke them. They generally kept to themselves. Hell, at that age we didn't care. We were enjoying the stars twinkling silver on the black-night colored lake, making it look like a solid sheet of onyx when the waters were calm.
Christina, had a sister who's trailer was through a little of the woods and across an open field. We would sometimes go visit her there. One New Years Eve, she let us have one glass of wine with her and her husband.
On one night when I was staying over, we had us a little adventure. Her mother (who was a Seminole Indian/native American..same thing) was working that night and her father was already in bed. It was dark outside and we were bored, but we really didn't want to drive back into town. We were watching an episode of Unsolved Mysteries. That was a pretty scary show sometimes. That night, it was about alien abductions. We were sucked in. I was very into the X-Files at the time and the whole 'alien conspiracy theory.' The way I saw it, was that God in His infinite wisdom didn't just create us. I'm still curious, but not as accepting of the notion. (But I still think David Duchavni/Mulder is hot)
Well, about the time the show ended, Chrity's sister gave us a call and wanted to know if we wanted to come over and play a game...dominoes or farkle...it's been too long. But of course we said, "Hell, yes!"
So, now we had to go through a little wooded area and across a field to get there. We were both kinda creeped out after watching that damn show. Those crop circles that we saw kept popping up in our minds as we were about to start across the fields. I remember us both standing at the edge of the tree line looking at each other and then towards the field...then up to the stars. We had a little fit of nervous laughter followed by a couple of, "That stuff's just all make believe, right." "Right." It still didn't do anything to calm our nerves. I had one of those "Hair raising feelings," that makes you think that something is right behind you about to get you. I know I'm not the only one who's felt that before. So now Christy and I look at each other and a silent question floated between us. (Run for it?) We nodded at each other. Then, like bats out of hell, we sprinted across the field. All the while keeping the other trailer in site as to not focus on the sky. Like it might summon the aliens there or something.
When we reached the trailer, we were out of breath and her sister was laughing at us. We both felt a little silly, but when we left to go back we ran all the way back...even through the woods. I miss those days. At least we were doing something...together as friends.

Free of You

It's a break-through

Or a make do

As I see it

So do you

I could scream

But what would it mean?

Would you change?

Is it just my dream?

For every tear that is spilt

Part of my soul does wilt

I cannot change

What is your guilt

And so you see me

And you hate me

For what I am

I am free

Somewhere

Somewhere inside myself
I see this little girl
Who's shy and fragile
Lost and lonely
Somewhere inside myself
Heart-aches seem to twirl
In spite of my will
Lost and lonely
Somewhere inside myself
I'm holding my little girl
Whose boldness of will
Is bright and comely
I rejoice to see her there
I rejoice to see her there

Law Enforcement BC style

While in the mist of my reading for my intro to law enforcement class, I became immersed in the text. Admittedly, I hate history, but just particular areas. I love Egyptian history with the pharoahs and stuff...that kind of thing. So it was no wonder I fell in love with this first chapter.
"The first accounts of developing court systems came from Egypt in approximately 1500BC. The court system was presided over by judges appointed by the Pharoah."
"The Greeks had an impressive form of law enforcement called the ephori. Each year at Sparta a body of five ephors was elected and given almost unlimited powers as investigator, judge, jury, and executioner. From the Greek philosopher Plato, who lived from 427 to 347 BC, came the idea that punishment should serve a purpose other than simple retaliation." This was far better than the old system of "eye for an eye," which could be upheld in very barbaric ways.
And finally, another tid-bit taken from my text book.
"At about the time of Christ, the Roman emperor Augustus chose members from his military to form the Praetorian Guard to protect the palace and the Urban Cohort to patrol the city. Augustus also established the Bigiles of Rome. Initially assigned as firefighters, they were eventually give law enforcement responsibilities. As the first civilian police force, the Vigiles sometimes kept the peace very ruthlessly. The word vigilante derives from these Vigiles."
These tid-bits were taken from my text book for everyone's amusement.
Introduction to Law Enforcement and Criminal Justice, Seventh Edition--Henry M. Wrobleski and Karen M. Hess

Progress on the Paper Mache Ghosts

more pics 045
Originally uploaded by boabhan sith.

Well, they are starting to look more like ghosts. They need one more layer of paint and then I get to carve them. That is, I am going to draw the eyes and mouths and cut them out. After that...it's just the finishing touches.

Yes! Yes! YES!

I am just flooded with relief, certainly, but more than that. Happiness. Clarity. Calmness. Excitedness. Yes!
After calling every half-hour to the financial aid office yesterday, only to hear the tune of "I'm Busy," I was in a little bit of a tizzy. You see, already I have homework due by Sunday night and I am not one to put the online class work off. If I do, I can never get caught up. I promised myself that I would make all "A"s this semester, because they're all easy classes. But I had a major problem with that. I couldn't afford the school books and my financial aid had not yet come in. I called about one book and my gut clenched when the man said that it was $92. Ninety-two dollars!
"Okay, well, I don't mind used books, what about them?"
My mind was still numb when he came back online and said it would be $69. Wow. Still a bit out of my reach. Now had it been like $40-$45, I could've come up with that. So my mind has been a jumble of...How am I going to do this? Is this a sign that I should just quit while I'm a head? Am I even smart enough to be bothering with college, because apparently I'm not even capable of getting my school books for my stupid courses?
Then amidst the crying and asking myself the "why's" of it all...I get angry with myself. Hell yes, I can do this. I have done it for a year now. I am not going to quit, because I am not that easy to get rid of. And, oh yeah, if some of the stupid-ass nurses I've met and worked with made it through school, then I know I can do this. It is just a matter of trusting God. Trust is what I have a BIG problem with. But I refused to let this crap drag into the depths of despair. So, when I a woke this morning I set to my work. I was going to find a way to get my books or a resource online or something!
After getting the kids settled into some Teletubies, I start the calling. Busy, busy, busy.........................busy, busy.........busy, then ring. Oh my God, my heart was in my throat. I was actually getting through. I glance at the clock. It's now 10:30am, it's taken me calling repeatedly for 2 1/2 hours to get through and even then I'm not sure it's going to be good news. But, I wasn't going to think about it until they dropped the damn bomb. A lady picked up.
"financial Aid office, _____ speaking. How may I help you?" I'm just smiling ear to ear. Too good to be true, she sounded like my grandma--a sweet old lady.
"Yes mam, I am needed to check on my financial aid status and I have a few questions. If you don't mind." After giving her my ID# and such she comes back on with.
"Well, I see you were awarded yesterday and should be getting your letter in the mail today or tomorrow." If it was possible my smile got bigger.
"Okay, great! Uhmm...about my books. I can't afford them. When will I be able to get them or how or what do I need to do? I'm kinda desperate here with classes already started."
"Oh, well...since you have been awarded you just need to take your ID and social security card, along with your class schedule to the book store and it will be taken out of the awardings."
"That's all?"
"That's all."

Yeah, Woo-hoo, Yippi-skippi! I felt like doing the happy-happy-joy-joy dance. This is just the best news I've heard in months. I am just so happy. Damn happy. If anyone else is having a super-fantastic day...comment and leave your story. This much happiness needs to be celebrated! Shared! Experienced!

Our Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to Rogue Wit and I!
Seems like we should be doing something special. But, we'll just have to celebrate it next weekend after we get paid. It's no fun having a Birthday or Anniversary on a week day. At least, I wasn't born on December 25th or something like that. My mother's Birthday is December 21st and she's always got one of those "slash" gifts. You know what they are. They're the Happy Birthday (slash) Merry Christmas presents. I love being born in October. To me there is nothing wrong with sharing my Birthday with the month of Horror. I like to dress up. Besides, I'm one of the few people I know who get gifts at a Halloween party. Yeah me. But, Christmas has to suck for those who get a double whammy present. Man.
Oh, wow! I really got off the subject.
Happy Anniversary (singing as the last line of the Happy Birthday song)...To...Us!

Just Checking In With Everyone

Hmmm...I would've posted something worth reading today, but I had my college orientation. I will start my classes at my new college (Rose State College) on Monday. Water Aerobics at 6:30! I can't wait...it's the other classes that I could wait on. Keep praying for me that the financial aid comes in soon. I'm trying not to stress, but I need my school books! I start Monday for heaven sakes...thank goodness I don't need a book for Water Aerobics, hehehe.
Here's trusting that God will lay everything out in place...Please! Oh, please! Oh, please! Oh, please!
Anyway, I just got back from my little sister's (Smokey Smurf) whom I'm hoping will start a blog of said name, but (shrugging shoulders) we'll see. We had to have a bitching session...it's what sisters do. I had to lean on her shoulder and cry and vice-versa.
Well, I hope everyone else has a wonderful weekend.

Some times...I'm alone

Echos of time, chafing your thoughts.

Holding to them and weighing the cost,

So tempting to sleep

in the times you hoped for;

bitter awake...

can you take anymore?

Shades of despare are clouded by hope,

searching for laughter you find in some dope.

So hard to wake

from your blissful lies,

wanting to sleep...

I can't take sunny skies!

Baggage

Heart ache, heart break...

Secret loves, soul mates,

Will he love you,

Or only take?

Secret life...

Tell me no lies,

In years to come,

Will he tell you good-bye?

Does he stare...

Deep in your soul,

And show you his love,

So you'll always know?

'Round The Fire

Into a light, I fall
Out from behind my eyes
Into the realm of, I know not where…
A realm of shadows, of glittering dust
I dance with the faeries
I sing with the elves, the ghosts
And vampires too
As they encircle me, I am not afraid
Oh, no…not me!
I find space in the ring
And dance ‘round the fire
As they dance,
As we sing,
Spinning in magic
Breathing in their enticing
Drug…
I can fly, and breathe in the pond
Am I as they, or
Simply dead?
Better yet,
Do I care?
As I dance with the faeries
And I sing with the elves, the ghosts
And vampires too
Until I float up
Into the darkness
Out of my eyes
And I know that I am awake.

Christopher Marlowe "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love"

Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.


And we will sit upon the rocks,
Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.


And I will make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle;


A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull;
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold;


A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs:
And if these pleasures may thee move
Come live with me, and be my love.


The shepherds’ swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my love.

(click the title for some eye candy!)

Listen To The Mustn'ts

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,

Listen to the DON'TS

Listen to the SHOULDN'TS

The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS

Listen to the NEVER HAVES

Then listen close to me--

Anything can happen, child,

ANYTHING can be.

--Shel Silverstein

This is one I read to my children quite often before they go to bed at night. It's something we should all take to heart and hold close when the night threatens to devour us whole.

The Chronicles of Arawn and Aillen

Beyond the Fairy’s garden in one of the land’s two forests, you’ll find them. The last of their kind, the last great warriors…Arawn and Aillen. Of Celtic kings and monsters, of predators and prey, they were legends of their own time. The duo trekked across the ragged earth. Back and forth through-out the land and the forests only stopping at the Fairy’s garden to heal their wounds.
They were at odds with each other, arch enemies, as it was. The land must be conquered by one. So they wandered underneath the scorching sun that never moves. Hiding in the darkness of the forests when its light is gone. Alone. They were searching for a mate. And there was none, so their prey would have to suffice. They’re prey, whose life force was sucked from its body much like that of a vampire, but more wholly as if by some beast. Where they beasts? Their victims were as insects to them, the lesser of the species.
So they hunted in the light, still as the forests in which they hid. Patience. It was a necessary virtue to them, as they would melt in with their surroundings. Waiting. Waiting for their victims to walk past, unsuspecting death was a mere breath away.
It was how they survived. Just survived, as it was not living. They were desperately alone in they’re own world. Without a mate, left to the demise of they’re own. The two great warriors waited for the day…their mate would come.

…And they would have to wait. That is until I can afford to get a bigger cage and get them some females so they can bring forth their lizard spawn. LOL…and such is the way in the life of my two green anoles.

Shakespeare (1564-1616) Let me not to the marrige of true minds

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

Oh, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

"Mercy" by Robert Mezey (1987)

In an orgy of silence the moon rose

And we sat looking up. Then the wind

Swaying the flowers with a gentle force

Broke open its sweetness on our foreheads.

She said a word long since forgotten,

And you listened to the beating of your heart,

And just over the mountain one white cloud

Came lordly in the radiance of the night.

Something always escapes us, but then the air

Was a drug that we three blindly inhailed,

Till we were lost to hunger and suffering

And could not but behold and be beholden.

Mercy, she said. Now I remember.

And we sat quiet, under a listening sky.

For a moment it seemed we held it all in our hands,

Then let it go, and that was the best of it all.

...You said You'd be there, for all my tomorrows...

...I came so close
To sending you away
But just liked you promised
You came here to stay
I just had to pray...

And Jesus said

Come

To the water

Stand by my side

I know you

Are weary

You won't be denied

I felt

Every tear

Drop

When in darkness

You cried

And I strove to remind you

That for those tears I died

I guess I'm just in one of those "old Baptist Hymnal" kinda moods.

...And He walks with me

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God
And His
Righteousness
And all these things
Shall be added unto you
Hallelujah

Oh, I loved to sing that song! How I miss singing it now! I, like most, people loose track of what matters the most, what means the most, what is top priority.

I like to think that it's my children. And I'm not too incorrect in my thinking.

They are definitely at the top!

When I was in school, we had Bible class first hour every year except my Senior year. One year in Bible class we learned the "pyramid of priorities."

It's been so long I don't remember it all, but I remember that God was at the very top of the pyramid, rightly so. I think next was husband/wife, followed by children and family, and then our jobs.

I know what you're thinking, it was what I was thinking when the teacher wrote the pyramid out on the board...how is it that husband and wife are before the children?

It's true, what I'm doing now in life is for my children. They are what keeps me focused, because I want something better for them. With that being said, I must now state that if The Rogue and I weren't as strong as we were it would've ended at the first sign of trouble. Ultimately, our being strong and working on our relationship allows our children to live and grow in a nurtured family. Yes, they see we are having a hard time of things, but that's because children are smart and we aren't going to lie to them. At the same time, we are leaning on each other as husband and wife so that our children don't have to carry the burden that we do now.

Hmm...now with that being said, this burden that my husband and I shoulder does not have to be ours. Believing as I do I should be able to just hand it over to God and let Him sort it out. I should be able to do it. I want to do it, but guilt always gets in the way. Why you say? Well, I've joined a Church and my daughter loves it, but with everything going on...such a poor excuse, but here it is...I don't have to time and/or money to go. I wish it was more than that, but it's not. I know God isn't going to just smite me because of it. Though it's hard not to believe He isn't disappointed as I would be if one of my children never came to my house.

...And the joys we share

As we tarry there

None other

Has ever

Known

10-5-02 My Journal

I see not the light

my nerves almost spent

the cries through the night

that will not relent

I wait for the morn

with tears in my hair

I must weather the storm

too worried to care

Baby Up-date

Well, my sister is feeling the effects of the bun in the oven. She's tired, can't sleep very well, and is starting to worry about how things are going to work out. Bless her heart. I know those things all too well. What's more is she's only in her 1st trimester! I hope she makes it through the 3rd. I told her last night that she should be getting a burst of energy when she hits the 2nd trimester, but every body is different. She really hasn't had any of the morning sickness or with me it was the "morning, noon, night, and anytime in between" sickness. Atleast she gets to miss out on that, the little brat, lol. Just kidding, I don't wish anyone that. I just have to joke. Besides, I didn't have the problems she was having until my last trimester. She might go about this all backwards. It's so amazing the differences in each woman's pregnancy...even the differences in the two pregnancies that I've had.
I went over to her house last night to help her "refresh" her crocheting skills. It was fun. I got to show her the blanket that I was almost done with. I'm just putting the ruffle on it. I don't go by patterns with that stuff. I just pick a couple of stitches that I like and make my own pattern. The blanket that she'll be getting is a single, double, double. It's thick and soft. She's going to work on one and thought she might not have to bother because of all the blankets she'd be getting. You can never have too many baby blankets. As much as they spit up and pee on things and other "baby-happenings, " I told her to make herself 3 or 4 blankets if she wanted. I'm still excited. I kinda hope it's a girl, my daughter keeps assuring me it will be. Then again, a boy is fun as well...I'll just be happy having another niece or nephew to play with!

Day Shift

Today, is Rogue's first day on day shift. Poor man got up at 6:30am so that he could be rush hour traffic and still get to work early. I am really hoping that it goes well for him. The kids and us have been down and out with some sort of bug. I haven't felt the full weight of it as the Rogue has and my poor son is still down and out. He's got the "snorfles." That's right, the snorfles...it's much worse than the sniffles. I'm not sure where we got this thing, but the Rogue was the first to come down with it. I told him it's from the times he's sent to work at the prison (bending over to pick up the soap in the shower and what not! LOL). Rogue doesn't think it's that funny and he hasn't been over to work on the computers there in a week or so. Hmmm...and it's not me this time, because I no longer work at a hospital where I would bring home every germ immaginable. I just hope that the Rogue is feeling well enough that the day goes by fast and good. I know he was a little nervous last night when he went to bed.

It's been rather weird today. We all got up a little before 8am this morning and watched some Grover and Big Bird. I had to lounge on the couch with them, because when we got up...we were all miserable. I took some benadryl and gave the kids some children's sinus medicine. Needles to say we napped till about 10ish when I couldn't take just sitting on the couch anymore. I've got too much house work and other crap to do...sick or not. So, baby, if you happen to get a break and read this...I am hoping you day goes jut the way you want it too. I hope that it's not too slow, but not too busy. I hope you feel well all day and sleep well tonight. I hope you know that your kids have talked about you all day and will be so happy to see you walk through that front door.

Have a good day

My love

Know that we miss you

My love

The day is half over

My love

Come home to me safe

My love

Drip-Drop-Drip-Drop...

More rain this morning. Lovely. And I don't mean that in a sarcastic way, I love the rain. Our weather this summer seems more like spring than it does summer. Hell, we had to turn the AC up high enough so it would kick off, because we woke up freezing. Not that I mind it being cool outside in August, just that I don't like waking up in the middle of the night with chattering teeth. Oklahoma weather just never does add up. I guess I should be happy that there aren't any tornado warnings...yet. Especially since we live in tornado alley...Moore, Oklahoma. Scary huh, this past spring one came so close to our house that the windows rattled. I was in the closet with the kids praying that it didn't kill us. I think God heard my prayer, because it jumped a few blocks...mine included. I was in such relief. I hate to feel like that especially when I drove the two blocks over to see all of the damage, but I was still relieved.
We had a big weather system come through just last week as well. It was just hail and 80mph gusts of wind. I know the storms that we're having are due to the tropical storms that they're having on the coast. I feel very badly for them. Where as tornadoes are destructive...we can usually take precautions in or near our own homes...I can't imagine having to evacuate a city.
It's just funny how someone else's weather effects someone else. I think that when another state farts we get 80mph wind gusts down here. Oklahoma weather is freaky. I don't think I'd be happier anywhere else though. If I had to drive more than a mile or two before I saw a country side I know I would be crazy. I love wide open fields, a pond here or there, little bits of forests along the roads and highways...and animals. We have to drive about 20-30minutes to the next town to see the grandparents and the kids always get to see horses, cows, donkeys, or some other big type of animal. They love it. I love hearing my daughter moo at the "Moo-cows." I'm going to love teaching them how to catch snakes and hike and stuff.

Nightmare on Kings road?

For the last several nights I've been plagued by nightmares. It shouldn't be something that I am not used to dealing with. For all of my life I've had nightmares, chronic. I would be chased by a man whose face I could not see. A dark, dangerous man, who sought to do me harm. In some of the dreams I remember him choking me and would feel myself dying...fading away into awakeness. So strange, to dream of death and even feel it closing around you only to wake to reality instead of Heaven. However, most of my nightmares I couldn't remember, as if the sunlight turned them into ashes like some cheap vampire film.
Then something happened while I was pregnant with my daughter. The nightmares stopped! Sure I had those weird "pregnant" dreams that every woman has, but no nightmares to speak of. I started really dreaming. Like all of my friends talked about. I was finally normal, or well, as normal as I could be. LOL. I had had a few normal dreams before, but it was like they weren't completely normal. They were more like things that needed pondering. I guess that is the best way to describe them. Even though they might not be nightmares, they plagued me with their strangeness. Hmm...I wonder what some "shrink" would be saying right now...no I don't...I've got a text book on it, lol. Stupid Psychology!
So now what? Here it's been almost five years since my last recurring nightmares and suddenly they've found me again. I suppose it's all of the stress in this house right now, but damn. Now I can't even be comforted in my sleep (big sigh of frustration here). Maybe, I should make me a dream catcher...I made one when My daughter was born and one for my step-mother. I used to make them for the psychic fairs with my friend. I know it's superstitious BS, but at this point...I'm willing to try.

Man....

I don't know what has come over me. Maybe, it's that I only have one more week before I start yet another semester. I got up about a quarter till 9 this morning and got the kids up. After sitting on the couch long enough to watch the Teletubies, we all got dressed and I took my daughter outside with me to do some lawn stuff. We're making a lot of progress, but slowly so. I just want it presentable for our Halloween party. I mowed the back again yesterday and I let my daughter help me mow the front this morning. Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch...I only allowed her to stand beside me and push on the last patch. The mower we have is a push mower that is extremely low to the ground so there was no danger.

I'm planning on doing some painting and sculpting with the kids...finishing another layer on the mache ghosts is also on the agenda. I'll be on some more tonight and then I'll dive back into the current vampire book I'm reading. I'll have to let everybody know how it turns out. So far all of Maggie Shaynes books in her vampire series have been delicious!

It Came In The Darkness Of A Dream

Still,

Laying half-way

Near to wake

I can see him

Still, in a memory,

My native guide

My dark warrior

My cancer,

We drank

From a bitter goblet

Of death,

I never saw us

lounging in the pastures

Of our last days,

Still,

We were hot

A fire

Untamed

Destroying everything

Destroying us,

How I hate that fire,

I am still

Singed,

I haunt him

In his dreams

And he

In my nightmares,

My cancer

My dark warrior

My native guide

Through the black pools

Of bitterness,

Even now,

Still,

His mark is upon my neck

The damned soul

That is him

This Just In...I Am NOT A Geek!

I just took the Geek Test (which is linked to in the title) and didn't even make a high enough score to in the Geek Tendencies...which is the lowest score they had. This is one test that I didn't feel bad about flunking. My husband is taking it now...I think he's going to get an A+! That's just scary...and it's scary that I know he would pass it...LOL, he's such a geek! Now, had it been a Dork test...LOL!
Take the test and let me know how you all did...

Oh, No!...here I go again...

Okay...so did every body hear about this? We're going to have foreign assistance in our election process! Am I the only citizen who is appalled at this! That is infringing on my rights to a secret ballot!
The reason for this is because of the last fiasco in the election of president George W. Bush, you know, all the re-counts and such. You know...with the horrible voter turn out that election year, half the people bitching about a re-count probably didn't vote anyway. This is such bull-shit. I don't want to stand for this, but really who am I to make a stand. Alone. We as a people, a nation of the free should stand up and say, "No, f---ing way!" I don't remember voting on whether or not I wanted assistance to vote. I'm not at all comfortable in having some foreigner breathing down my neck as I cast my vote. Voting being the most important right as a free citizen. I am sooo very pissed off and every citizen of this great nation should be too. We should all just go on a "voters strike" and not show up at the polls come this election day. Making our government listen to us! We are the leading nation of the free world! We don't need foreign fucking assistance to vote. We've been doing this how long?
I have a theory. The people whose ballots were messed up...are the same damn people who refuse to look over their tests when they're done with them. It's humiliating! If they can do this...what's to stop them from pressuring us to vote one way or the other? If you give them an inch they'll take a mile. It sounds far fetched, but not so far fetched that it couldn't happen. If we let this continue it will be interpreted and re-interpreted to meet the needs of those who are being voted for and not the needs of the voters. This is just bull-shit and we all need to be writing our congress-men/women and the president! We have to tell them we will not stand for this! It's invading our right to privacy.

I've added a link to an article better explaining what is going on. Just click the title.

We have a new Blogger!

My niece just IM'd me to let me know that she has started a blog. I am rather quite excited about this because she has a very different angle on the world even at the young age of eighteen. Her writing is not what I expected from her, but in a surprisingly good way. It's nice to be able to have many ways of keeping in touch. These blogs are records of our lives, our mind-spewings, our grief, our happiness, our ideas, our disappointments, and everything we want, wish, or hope to be...or maybe not to be. Fifty years from now someone will be looking back at our ramblings and try to decipher our cultures peculiarities. Anyway, I'm so happy that we have another blogger that I can call friend...and hope everyone else will stop by and make her feel welcome!

I Will

On a broad piece of something,

Dancing in the night sky,

In the moon light

'Neath the stars,

In the cool night's breeze,

Laughter

Singing

Praise be to God

His wondrous creations,

Be us happy

Be us sorrowful

We will give our due thanks,

In the darkness

Of the moon

By which He provides light,

Running free in the woods

Through the meadows

In the fog,

Passed the rivers

To the ponds

Silver black,

Mirrored dreams

In the distant storm

As rain touched my cheek,

Far from my safety

Yet without fear,

Many hours from daylight

And the dew softened morn,

I dance of my joy

I sing of my glee

I dance,

Because I cannot be still

I refuse to be passive

Or let it pass by,

I will grab it

I will taste it

I will hold it dear to me,

I will run through the meadows

And hike up the trails

Enjoying God's creation,

My ship shall not sail

Yet will not be anchored

To a single space,

Space is boundless

Time is nothing,

I will jump in my bliss

I will fall in my triumph,

But I will be happy

I will be joyfull

I will be thankful

And I will dance!

Toilet Humor

She sits on the throne

Contemplating her book

And sighs in sweet content

With goose-bumps on her arms

And tears in her eyes

She moans to the heavens

With bowel-releasing cries

She sighs

And swats at the tears

As her master piece

Is released

As she cleanses her rear

Her medium is there

Clogging the bowl, once again

Though she plunges and swipes

At the foot-prints

The stains do remain

Like a sick twisted game

And she flushes the toilet again!

The Story of the Floody Pipe

I'll sing you a song

'Bout a floody pipe

Says he, "It's all wrong...

"I can fix it tonight!"

With a trip to Lowes

And a bang and a clank

"OH, shit!"...he goes

As my hopes slowly sank

Boards in my kitchen

Nails on my floor

It's hard to keep the kids in

the other room

A call to his dad

Just might save the day

but answers, he did not have

About the 'newest' leak

With a, "Call me tomorrow."

You'd just have to know these men

My heart filled with sorrow

As the water still pools there

All I wanted was a floor

That doesn't flood

When washing clothes galore

Each day dirtied by my kids

So now what's been fixed must

be redone

It caused the new drip, I trust

that this will be it

Out he goes

Knowing what he must do

With a list back to Lowes

And the A/C turned to off

The heat envelopes us

The children and me

I shouldn't have made such a fuss

Just for that puddle to be fixed

He returns with high hopes

With a new drill bit

And he cuts through the slopes

Of the pipe that won't fit

So is it fixed, this morning

You ask

Let me give warning

as I say, "Just don't ask!"

The Many Meanings Of PMS!

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me-with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
...and my favorite one..
13. Potential Murder Suspect

A friend sent me this in an email....I thought it was worth sharing!

Just one more month...

A boulder on my chest

I breath in

I breath out

My life is such a mess

I am grasping at strings

Thin ones at that

My heart needs to confess,

That I cannot stand alone

My rock, my crutch, my help mate

Needs for me to bless,

him, but I have not the strength

I have not the strength

Though he does not love me less

Tears...I have no time for

Or the poor me story line

One day I'll be a success

'Till then darkness will be mine

Despare will be my friend

For my life is still a mess

Who can I bother with this thing

this crap, this pain, this sobbation

When all I can do is this

Curl up in a ball at night

And dream I'm someone else

There's not much I will miss

--Good Bye In Any Language--

How To Say Good Bye

First: breath in and then let it out slowly

Second: suck it up...Don't get all mushy

Third: definitely do not cry...No body likes a cry baby

Fourth: figure out how to go on...It's not like there won't be a tomorrow

--AND--

Fifth: do the deed...You've prepared yourself, now's the time to just say it...

"Good bye Poemster."

Sixth: take another breath and let it out very slowly

I will never forget the night I was so lonesome and a stranger poemed me. My husband had just started nights and I was at my wits end. I wasn't used to being alone at night. The quietness of the house was overwhelming. Then this wizard of the rhyme arts stepped in and introduced me to a whole new community. I will forever be blessed by it. I have made many new friends because of this wonderful man. His family is a very lucky group of souls. With any luck his son will turn out to be as wise of a man as his father.

May God bless and keep you poemster...

and your family as well!

My Quest

Winding streams through forests thick
A shiny moon amongst the stars
I follow the path as I admire a stick
Far away from houses or cars

A breeze sways the trees
And it slaps me in the face
Fatigue is in my knees
As I travel through this place

I will reach my goal
Though I may be alone
God save my soul
Men can only break a bone

I will endure
I will finish my quest
I will endure, I will pass life’s test

Layer Two of Paper Mache Ghosts

sun glasses and layer two of ghosts 024
Originally uploaded by boabhan sith.

Day two which means layer two of our paper mache ghosts. The kids have had much fun! Maybe a little too much fun. Well, I've got to go and start the clean up...anybody wanna help?
Hehehehe.....

I LOVE YOU! (just felt the need to tell you)

To a man who brought me the stars

And kissed them to shine so bright

A love that I thought could never be ours

But your next to me every night

All my love to you my dear

My words can not express

My lover I wish for you to hear

What my heart now must confess

I love you

Paper Mache part one

Over the next week, I will be making paper mache ghosts with my two children. This is part one...I will keep a log of it. Mache Glue: 1/2 cup flour 1/2 cup water Mix until runny Then add 2 cups of boiling water and 2-3 tbs of elmer's glue Each layer of paper mache should dry at least over night and each project should have at least 3-4 layers on it. Make sure you wipe excess paste off of the one inch strips of news paper before applying them to the surface of your project.

DSCF0839 Originally uploaded by boabhan sith.

Devona's nose drippin' chili

This is my very own recipe for chili, but be warned! It will burn a hole through you stomach and make your nose drip while you desperately stuff your face. "It's better than good, it's grrreat!"

1 pound of your choice style hamburger meat
1/2 pound of your choice: shrimp, chicken, deer meat, or steak
2 cans of red kidney beans
2 cans of diced tomatoes
2/3 cup of chili powder
2 tbs of cayenne pepper
1 tbs of minced garlic
1 tsp of salt
1 tsp of black pepper
1/2 cup of Masa flower
1 onion
1 bell pepper
2 (or 3) big chili peppers
4 jalapino peppers
4 cayenne peppers

Brown all of your meat. Poor kidney beans and diced tomatoes into crock pot (juices and all).
Chop up all of your peppers and your onion. Add the peppers to the crock pot. Add browned meat. Add all of your seasonings. And cook for at least 4-5 hours starting on high and readjusting it to low as the peppers start to soften. Stir occasionally and add more Masa flower to desired consistency. I like mine thick.
Serve in a sturdy bowl...this chili ain't made for Styrofoam bowls! Add cheese and salsa if desired and eat with chips and crackers.
Just one more thing...you should take some pepcid about an hour before you eat!
Enjoy!

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

A small child sits up abruptly in her bed. The darkness threatening to choke her once again. She calls out, “Mom!”
No one answers the first call so she calls out again, “Mo-om!”
“Go to sleep!” Is the reply she hears from down the dark foreboding hall. She can’t go back to sleep. Is it death she wonders? How can it be anything other if she feels dead when she’s asleep and that scares her. The darkness scares her. She pulls the covers around her and makes sure to tuck herself in the sheets well so that nothing can slip into the bed. So scared of the monsters that are just within reach all around her that she doesn’t dare move. Fear has her frozen in its grip. She calls out once more, already aware of what the answer will be.
“MOM!” It took everything she had to over-come the fear gripping her to call out into the night. To alert her unseen monsters of where she was, hoping that she would be saved.
“GO-TO-SLEEP!” Sleep will not come back to her this night. Anxiety hits her as she lays in the haunting darkness alone. Too young to realize that monsters aren’t what she sees on television or reads about in books. The real monsters are flesh and blood just like her.
She cries. As quietly as possible, she doesn’t want to draw attention to herself until the light of dawn comes to save her. This was an every night occurrence.
At some time she starts sleeping with all the lights on or during the day. Though it was bad for the small child’s health, it was much worse on her in the dark.
Years pass and she becomes a teenager. Though she is still afraid of the dark, she can now push it to the back of her mind and find some semblance of a restful sleep…with all the lights on. The memories of monsters unseen and yet so close in the dark forever haunting her frail spirit. To survive she had to push them to the farthest corners and deepest recesses of her mind. Never to be thought about again, until the moon rose over head and the sun said it’s good night. She had never progressed far enough to trust anyone. She was still the small child in the dark calling out for her mom. A mom, who didn’t want to be bothered.
I still sleep with a night light on to this day…

"Restless tonight..."

I can’t seem to get that Fingers eleven song out of my head: One Thing. I can relate to it too much tonight. “Restless tonight, ‘cause I wasted the light…if I traded it all, if I traded it all away for one thing, just for one thing…wouldn’t that be something…” I wonder what provoked his spirit into writing the soul wrenching lyrics?
My little sister and I have a very unusual relationship. She called me tonight…I’ve been crying. I’ve actually been doing a lot of that here lately. I’m tired of excuses…I don’t have any good ones. Millions of people go through the hell we went through as children. Millions of women go to school full time and take care of their children full time as well as being a full time wife. Millions of women don’t crumble under all of this immense pressure. Why should I be any different?
My sister called because she had been crying the other night. She thought I should know. I should know that the one brother…the one male role model that I had to look up too when I was young and alone, when we were young and alone, no longer cares for us. He apparently had to watch us too much when we were younger and it makes him not want to talk or see us now. He’s twelve years older than us. In a medical family he was the only one of us who chose a different profession. He chose to become a cop. He’s nothing! What kind of a cop lets bad things happen to his little sisters? What kind of a cop can then turn his back on us because we were too big of a burden for him? We were nobody’s burden! We were children! Just children. My hands tremble even now as I’m writing this down. I loved him. I still love him and he has ripped my heart in half again. All my life all I have ever wanted was family. I gave myself selflessly to them and have only been used and abused on their part. They treat me and my little sister as worthless. Our own mother…she doesn’t care. It hurts to have my daughter ask about granny and I have no answer, because I will not teach my prejudice of her to my children. Out of all seven grandchildren, my two are tossed aside. I am afraid of how this will affect them as they grow older and can realize the biased attitude toward them…simply because they are my children.
My oldest brother was the one man I looked up to. We're not all given the responsibilities that we wanted, or even needed, but we all have to deal with the ones we were given! How can someone hate to be a little girl’s hero? He used to be my hero. At twenty five, going on twenty six, I don’t guess I should still need one. I find that it hurts all the same. The fact is that he didn’t have to watch us all the time. What little I remember from my childhood I remember that we were always alone. How can he place the blame on us just for being born? I don’t want his pity! He can keep his ‘poor you’ looks to himself. I don’t want anything from him but to see my niece and nephew. The world wouldn’t have missed much if my mother kept her legs closed. I know she didn’t want me or my little sister. How could she? Maybe they pushed us off on my older brother and sister, but it couldn’t have been for more than the first couple of years of my life. How can he blame us for that? How do you stop the pain of such knowledge?

Of Daughters and Husbands

As I was preparing my daughter to go to her grandparents house for the night, we (the adults in the room) were carrying on "adult' conversations. Mostly, it was men bashing...my poor father had to sit shyly on the couch keeping his mouth shut as to not draw attention to himself.
Among the man bashing we were also discussing the baby my step-sitter is going to have. I'm so excited. My daughter is excited as well. She let Megan know that Megan was going to have a girl for her to play with. That's my daughter, very outspoken. Wonder where she gets it? *wink*
Well, my daughter then tells us that she is going to have a baby in her belly (also a girl, hehe). To which my reply was, "Not until you're 45, young lady."
My step-mother told her she had to have a husband first and I'm nodding my full agreement on that one. Apparently my daughter didn't like the idea, because she responded as such: "No! I do not want a husband!"
They learn so quickly. :)